Maybe you’re a clueless plus-one fretting over whether to bring a gift to a host you’ve never met. Maybe you’ve been invited to a white-tie wedding and need a straightforward dress code guide. Instead of cobbling together answers from ancient Reddit threads, a veteran of the hospitality industry has penned a book to help you be a thoughtful, helpful guest, especially in unfamiliar or ambiguous situations. And she’s giving us a sneak peek.
Gail Simmons is a seasoned food writer, cookbook author, and Top Chef judge. Drawing on her experience dining at elite tables around the globe, she wrote Guesting: How to Show Up, Win Over Your Host, and Make the Most of Any Occasion. “It’s not a hosting book,” Simmons tells us. “It’s the exact opposite. It’s for guests.” She clarifies: It’s for all of us.”
Even if you’d never throw a raucous party in your serene apartment, you have that engagement party, bar mitzvah, or potluck on the horizon — and Simmons has advice for all of those events. She spoke to us about what you should never bring to a dinner party, how to navigate overnight stays, and an old-school etiquette rule she thinks deserves to make a comeback.
KCM: If you’re invited to a dinner party, what should you always bring and what should you never bring?
Gail Simmons: My philosophy is that whenever you’re going to anyone’s home, yes, you always want to bring something or do something that makes a real difference and contributes to the meal. Don’t forget the days after a party, because it’s never too late to write a note or show gratitude.
You don’t have to bring something fancy, expensive, elaborate, or super personal. In fact, I argue most gifts we give each other say much more about us than they do about the [recipient]. So why not make it special to you? Share something intimate and personal with your hosts to show gratitude. Sometimes I bring my favorite nostalgic chocolate bar. It could have cost $6, but it doesn’t matter — it’s personal, and it tells a story.
As for what you shouldn’t bring, be mindful. People always say, “Don’t bring flowers,” because you don’t want your host running around at the dinner party looking for a vase. My argument is you can bring flowers; just bring a vase, too.
If you know that your hosts aren’t drinkers, don’t bring wine — bring a really interesting non-alcoholic drink.
How do you politely attend a dinner party when you have dietary restrictions, allergies, or even a strong food preference?
I address this in the book a few times, because I think it comes into play more often these days. I think the same general advice applies whether you’re going to someone’s home, a wedding, or a restaurant. My basic take is this: Communicate in advance so that they can plan, but don’t ever make it your host’s problem or focus of the evening. If you’re going to a dinner party for 15 people, bring whatever you need to be independent and self-sufficient, so you’re not adding to anyone’s plate.
That may mean asking, “Hey, is it OK if I just bring something to add to my meal myself?” Or, “I don’t want you to go through the hassle of making the meal entirely gluten-free; I’m going to bring myself a piece of chicken.” The more you communicate in advance, the more they can prepare, and the more comfortable you’ll feel bringing whatever you need.
Regarding overnight visits and stays: What makes a great house guest rather than a stressful one?
Being a house guest has a lot of nuance to it — I like to say it’s like “guesting plus.” It’s one thing to go to someone’s house for dinner; it’s finite, it’s three hours. You leave, and you never have to think about it again. Being in someone’s living space for a prolonged amount of time takes a lot of self-awareness. Chances are, if you’re staying at someone’s house, you know them well enough to be comfortable there. It’s your family, it’s your close friend. It’s rare to stay at someone’s house if you don’t know them very well. But I also point out in the book that just because you know one person who lives there really well doesn’t mean the other residents aren’t accommodating you. Sometimes you go to a house with roommates; sometimes you go to a house with four other family members living in it, and sure, the mom and dad are your best friends from college, but the kids don’t know you very well.
Take cues from your hosts and stay attuned to what’s going on in the home, whether you’re visiting just to spend time together or using their house as a crash pad because you’re in town for business. Leave when you’re told; don’t overextend your stay; clean up after yourself; contribute to the home. Always bring something: Maybe pick up a meal for them or make breakfast. If you sense that your hosts need alone time, go take a long walk.
How much should a guest help clean up?
You weren’t invited to help clean up; you were invited there to be a guest. Check in with your host, but I also talk a lot in the book about not overstepping the host’s plans. A good friend of mine, Melissa Clark, a prolific cookbook author, told me she never wants anyone to clear the table at her house. Her family has a system. They don’t want you in the kitchen. You’re in the way, and you’ll load the dishwasher wrong.
What’s the right way to ask to bring someone — a plus one, a child, or even a pet?
I find that there are very few instances when you should ever ask to bring someone anywhere. Sometimes, though, there are extenuating circumstances. And in those rare instances, if you have to ask for a plus-one, just make sure that there’s a reason, not just because you double-booked plans that night.
When I was writing the book, I could only think of a few scenarios where asking to bring someone would be appropriate. Maybe you have a new significant other that you want to introduce to friends, and the host didn’t know about the relationship. Or your childcare calls out sick at the last minute. Any time you’re ever asking to bring someone, it needs to be for a real reason that would otherwise prevent you from coming at all.
What’s an old-school etiquette rule you think deserves a comeback?
Dress codes. It was a big lesson for me in my 20s: I worked for [restauranteur] Daniel Boulud, and I didn’t understand why he cared about dress codes. I thought it was so dated that I had to wear a blazer. But these days, no one dresses up for dinner. I hate sounding like an old lady when I say this, and I don’t think everyone needs to wear a tuxedo on the plane, but I do think that there is a place for showing respect and reverence for your environment, your hosts, and the food.
We always say dress for the job you want — I say dress for the meal you want, dress for the experience you want.
Is there an etiquette rule that you think we can let go of?
When I became a mom, friends and family showered me with gifts. As a young parent, you need so much, and I was grateful my loved ones stepped up and sent me beautiful things. But what I found interesting was the expectation to write everybody a thank-you note. I believe in writing thank-you notes, but I don’t believe you have to handwrite one when you’re drowning in other things. There’s a time and place. Although smartphones add a lot of stress to our lives, text messaging does the job. I should not have been expected, as a young mother with postpartum depression, to have to write a hundred handwritten thank-you notes.
